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I Have the Conch

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Posts Tagged ‘stupid’

Tech Support

I confess, I’m a tech. I sully my hands, ears and tongue answering questions for people. Most of whom have no clue what they’re doing. So it comes as no surprise that I would have something to say about how dumb people are. Well, it takes something big to phase me these days, and since most people who call in realize they have no clue, I’m more than willing to help them and even grudgingly respect that they’re taking a step into a wider world. The other day, I got a call from someone that I can’t bring myself to even think one nice thought about.

I work for a national Internet provider, which is really more of a multi-level marketing place. Don’t give me any grief on that, though, they treat me much better than just about any other employer I’ve worked for, and on top of that they do actually provide better quality service and products than any other ISP I’m familiar with (plus they have top notch tech support!). One of the products they sell is a combination phone/Internet access device. Kinda nifty, actually.

Ok, enough with the background. Here’s what I’m ranting about. A representative called in for some help on this Internet appliance. Only she’s not calling in for HER appliance, it belongs to one of her customers. This happens all the time, so it didn’t shock me, except that the customer wasn’t on the phone either. What’s more, she wasn’t even within convenient driving distance of the appliance. What’s more than that, she wasn’t even close to HER appliance so she could see what I was talking about. Yet demands ensued that I fix the problem. Only she doesn’t KNOW what the problem is. Maybe that’s unfair. Maybe it was just that she couldn’t explain what the problem was. Or maybe I’m right and she’s a freakin’ tard.

Among the evidence that she’s a freakin’ tard (“freakin’ tard” happens to be a very precise psychological term meaning “stupid idiot”) is the fact that she refused to explain what the problem was. Over the course of the first 15 minutes of the “conversation” (a term used loosely, I assure you) I realized that she doesn’t like to listen, she likes to hear her own voice. She interrupted every single time I tried to talk, especially if I was asking a question to find out what the heck was going on. Lest you think it was my own personal voice she objected to, I must also point out that she at one moment admitted that she didn’t even let her customer finish explaining the problem. In other words, we had the stupid (or the freakin’ tard) leading the blind (the blind man, who I am led to believe is also deaf and dumb, did not call because he’s shy about this sort of thing — by which I believe I understood properly meant anything invented since he was watching The Howdy Doody Show — which led me to wonder why this man was spending hundreds of dollars on a machine he had no intention of learning how to use; but I degress).

In all fairness, I must argue the other side. She was trying to help her customer. Why she thought I could do anything when she didn’t know the problem, and wouldn’t be able to articulate it even if she did, is beyond my ken. So there you have it, even if she wasn’t a freakin’ tard, she was at least utterly incompetent.

After 15 minutes or so of conversation, she was finally acquiesced to get her customer on the line for a three way call. This didn’t help. In addition to hanging up as soon as I put him on hold (despite the warning about what I was doing), Blind Man also had no idea how to articulate what was going on. (Sample conversation: me: “Describe to me what is going wrong.” him: “I don’t know.” me: “What exactly does it do, and what error does it give you when it does it?” him: “I don’t know.” me: “What does it do that you don’t like?” him: “I don’t know.” me (mentally expressed in the middle of more violent thoughts): Then how the heck do you know it’s not working right?!). Blind Man also interrupted a lot and made assumptions about what answer I was looking for. I was beginning to understand why these two had a business relationship. I was also beginning to wonder if they had gone to the same community college.

After roughly half an hour of conversation with persons with the combined IQ of a box of hammers, I finally thought I was beginning to grasp what the problem MIGHT have been, and informing the two that I was going to ask my supervisor a question and do a small amount of research, I put them on hold (this is when Blind Man bailed out). Well, admittedly, the search for information did take longer than anticipated, and I should have informed them that I was still working on it, but it’s not like I hung up. When I came back, freakin’ tard started yelling at me. This is not an exaggeration; I had the earpiece pulled away from my head and my neighbors will giving me dirty looks her voice was so loud. Apparently I was taking too long, and I was wasting her time when she was supposed to be on an important business call. I’m a professional, so I didn’t say this, but I should have: “Lady, you are the one wasting time. You are wasting your own time, your customer’s time, my time, and the time of every one of the fifteen people waiting on hold for a tech support representative to pick up the line and help them out. Now shut up and hangup. If you can’t plan your life around the business phone call you KNEW you needed to make at this hour, and if you can’t find out what a problem is before you try to solve it, then Stop pretending that you can do anything besides flip burgers you freaking tard!

Next time, I’m just going to tell her, that I’m sorry, the switch for that particular device on our master control panel has somehow been switched to the “broken” position. I’ll just go switch that back to “fixed.” Sorry for the inconvenience. Maybe she’ll believe that.